In Prepping For College, What Can Go Wrong, Will

It’s been an interesting few days getting ready for college. I’m all set to leave in a few hours, with plastic bins and reusable bags stuffed to the brim with the things I’ve collected over the years. Outside, my dad kneels next to the car, checking for leaks.

I am incredibly lucky.

On Saturday, my mom dropped me off at work as usual, driving her big SUV. Some five hours later, she picked me up in the smaller car and recounted how, after exiting the mall lot, in the middle of intersection ready to turn, the car stopped moving. So there she was, very much stuck at the traffic light. She immediately called the police so they could direct traffic around her, or at least offer some level of safety. Meanwhile, a thirty-something year old man pulled up beside her.

“Hey, let me give you a push,” he said.

My mom hopped back in the car, and let his car push her back into the mall parking area. It must have been quite a scene, seeing a little yellow car with a dad, a wife, and two small children pushing a big SUV as if playing a real life game of bumper cars.

(That’s how I understood it anyway. After reading this post, my mom informed me that the man pushed her car with his hands, not his car. I still think the image is funny.)

Gone was the car that was supposed to take me to college. Lucky for us, it didn’t break down when we were driving to Woods Hole earlier that week, or when my mom was driving to and from teaching Pilates, and I made it to work on time. The axle was broken, the shop later informed us, so Plan B was to take the smaller car to transport me and my belongings to college.

Monday and Tuesday I spent running last-minute errands and packing. On Tuesday, it was clear that it wasn’t my day. In the morning, while emptying the contents of my desk, I knocked over a little tin box, raining confetti onto the floor and myself. I spent the next ten minutes picking it up. On the way down the stairs, I slipped on the bottom step, scaring my sister in the process. On the way to the bank, I fell off my bicycle and bruised my knee.

The best part, however, happened later that evening. We had been informed that the car was fixed, so my family drove out to the shop to pick it up. I was staring absentmindedly out the window when suddenly I felt something moving in my mouth. My fake tooth, implanted not two weeks before, had fallen out! So at seven p.m. on my last night at home, I was calling the emergency dentist line to see if they could fix it before I left for college. Did I mention I still had laundry to do?

Fortunately, everything worked out in our favor. After my brother and sister left for their first day of school, I went to the dentist, who re-cemented the tooth (with a stronger glue).

Now I’m about to load the car, excited to start this new adventure. Due to the events of the past few days, my jitters are slightly different from what one would normally expect from a newly minted college freshman. But as everyone has always told me, everything always works out in the end.

An Update From Zivling

Hey guys.

It’s been two weeks since I last posted. Oops. Just in case you thought I fell off the face of the earth, here’s what I’ve been up to:

  • Working. Lots.
  • Packing. Tomorrow is my last day of living at home before I’m off to college.
  • Veganizing. I’m back to being vegan, and I made some awesome oatmeal raisin cookies to celebrate it.
  • Gathering material. Ever since Something New 52 ended, I’ve been sparse. But I’ve got some great posts in the works, and I’ll have plenty more to write about once I’m at school. The end of summer has made me lax about deadlines, but having a stricter schedule should make it easier for me to post more prolifically. Check back in a few days for some new stuff!

Questions? Comments? Have an idea for a post? Leave a response!

My Smartphone Is Smarter Than I Am

I am now a member of the smartphone cult. Or rather, a recent inductee/ fringe member. After an incident where I ended up driving thirty minutes down the wrong highway (I was supposed to be taking a side road), my mother decided it was time I got a phone with GPS capabilities. So after three years of having a reliable, able-to-fall-on-the-ground-without-breaking-flip phone, I got an Android phone.

From the start, I knew it wasn’t meant to be. No sooner had the sales rep put the phone in my hand, I nearly dropped it onto the hard countertop.

“You might want to check out the two-year warranty for $150. You have a month to sign up for it at this price, but it goes up after that. Protects you from day one,” he said, nodding at the nearly-dropped phone in my hands. Insult to my dexterity aside, this salesman was clearly avoiding the real issue at hand. I mean, who designs a phone that needs a case? Shouldn’t a phone be durable enough to survive life’s slip-ups? I exited the store with a phone, case, and screen cover, sans warranty.

A few minutes later, my dad called me to ask when my mom and I would be getting home. The screen lit up with two puzzle pieces, one red and one green. I pressed the green one to answer the call, but nothing happened. The phone would not stop blaring. I tapped the button, and tapped it again, next trying the red one, until I noticed a tiny line of instruction telling me to “fit puzzle piece” to answer the call. Great. Now I have to solve a puzzle to take my calls and messages?

Soon I decided to check out what the “Applications” tab contained. Among the gems: Maps, for all of your mapping needs; Latitude, for your other mapping needs; Let’s Play Golf 2, for those virtual business meetings when you can’t to the fairway; Guided Tour, to teach the inept smartphone user (aka me), and Books, to guilt you into reading classic literature. Of all the apps, this was my favorite. Preloaded on the phone were Treasure Island, The Three Musketeers, and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. So this is what all of you smartphone people do on your phone to look busy! In the airports, coffee places, and other random wifi hotspots, you’re reading. Good for you! I can’t believe I thought you were playing angry birds all this time. I must say, I felt really cool reading about the White Rabbit’s tardiness on my palm-sized device. Now I too can go out in public and pretend to be engaged in more important things while in the company of others! Who needs real-life friends when you have a list full of Contacts you can text?

In short: I have no idea how to use my phone. Technically I’m part of the “digital native” generation, but help a girl out and teach me your smartphone tricks! And please don’t make fun of me for my inability to answer phone calls. I was never the puzzling type.

Any advice for a new smartphone user? Leave comments below!

Being a Lost Child in a Big Supermarket

My favorite time for spontaneous grocery runs is on Friday nights. Few people go to the supermarket at this time, so I can usually get in and out reasonably quickly. However, tonight I was a bit off. On the occasions that I go to Stop & Shop, I’m usually there to buy only a few items (in this case, the necessary ingredients for this molten chocolate cake recipe and popcorn). However, this particular grocery run turned into a long and arduous ordeal. My mission was to procure three items: butter, popcorn kernels, and semisweet chocolate.

My first mistake was to challenge the system by traveling in a counterclockwise direction. The supermarket is designed so that patrons travel clockwise from produce to frozen food and then back to the cash registers. I decided to make a beeline for the refrigerated section. After traveling along the long line of cheeses and milks, I ended up in the butter area. In front of me were at least ten different types of butter and butter-like products. There was store brand butter, organic butter, all-natural butter, 40% vegetable oil butter, 60% vegetable oil butter, butter spread, margarine, butter in a tub, butter in stick form, you name it. And all were SALTED. In this whole display, not one of the offerings was unsalted. Thinking I had misread, I decided to go find popcorn and tackle the butter display later.

I ventured to Aisle 9, which proudly displayed “POPCORN/ NUTS” on the purple sign overhead. Much like the butter display, there were a vast number of choices, none of which suited my purposes. In my family, there’s only one way to go with popcorn, and it’s good old-fashioned stovetop popcorn, the kind that comes in a four pound bag of golden kernels. After searching unsuccessfully among the myriad microwave popcorn options,  I asked an employee for some assistance. She suggested I try the organic section. Of course, the popcorn was not to be found there. At this point, I was frustrated and decided to break the news to my father that I failed to find the popcorn. “Ziv,” he lectured through the phone, “America operates on popcorn. If you cannot find the popcorn, you might as well shut down the supermarket and leave America.” Failure, apparently, was not an option. If I can’t even manage the supermarket alone, how will I succeed when I need to be completely autonomous?

I wandered through the store hopping from aisle to aisle, alternately checking the butter and popcorn sections to see if the items had magically appeared. After all, Friday night is restocking night. I probably covered 3/4 of a mile meandering through the store before I decided to start at the beginning, in the produce section. Lo and behold, I found the popcorn around the corner next to a lonely box of prunes, hiding behind the huge boxes of groceries waiting to be restocked. I paid for the popcorn and headed for Trader Joe’s.

Not counting the conversation I had with the friendly cashier at Trader Joe’s, it took me longer to park than to find the remaining items I needed. Overall, my whole Friday night grocery run took me an hour, forty minutes of which I spent at Stop & Shop.

 

Younger Brothers

Like many brothers, my brother considers it his sacred duty to play pranks on his older sister. While even I enjoy the occasional laugh at my expense, as the years go by my brother’s practical jokes have increasingly tested my patience.

Since I am easily startled, my brother takes every opportunity that arises to jump out at me. He hides behind doors, waits around corners, crouches behind the kitchen island, and then surprises me. Often, this results in high-pitched screaming and moderate shaking on my part, and satisfied laughter on his. It wouldn’t be so humiliating, save for the fact that I always fall for it.

A few years ago he decided that he had to take things up a notch. While I was at a friend’s house, my brother emptied my closet and stuck all of my clothes to the ceiling. This is no easy feat. To do this, he had to take a ladder and individually pin each garment to the sloping ceiling. Needless to say, I was shocked when I arrived home to find my bemused younger brother grinning at the success of his plan.

But this week, my brother reached a new level of temerity. While I was studying, he crept up behind me holding a milk frother (a handheld kitchen appliance that spins a rod with a gear-like attachment at the end). He then proceeded to turn it on, waving it around my head to bother me with the whirring noise. However, he didn’t count on the fact that holding a spinning wand near a head of curly hair could potentially cause problems. Before I knew it, the hair at the base of my neck got caught around the instrument in a giant knot. Since I couldn’t see the knot to try to untangle it, my brother unceremoniously yanked my hair off of the appliance, leaving the knot intact. As punishment, I made my brother help me wash and condition my hair over the sink.

Not one to leave behind an opportunity to mess with his sister, he then had the audacity to tell me that my hair looked terrible and was “too poufy”, which was why it got caught it the first place.

I am now convinced that younger brothers are the reason why companies put those inane warning labels on their products.

Common Sense

This list was loosely based on semi-real events that I may or may not have been a part of.

Common Sense Scenarios

  1. Don’t stick your finger in a fan, blender, or other rotating object that could injure you.
  2. Don’t touch hot objects with your bare hands. Be especially careful when taking glassware out of the oven. You will burn yourself, break the container, and smash all of your freshly baked cookies.
    1. Corollary to the Rule of Hot Objects: Don’t touch the stove to check if it’s hot.
  3. Don’t dance in the shower. Water + soap + bare feet = slippery. If you want to be able to dance elsewhere, don’t hurt yourself by dancing in the shower.
    1. Corollary to the Shower Safety Rule: When singing in the shower, don’t swallow the water. Not only won’t you be able to hit the high notes, but the water may end up coming out your nose.
  4. Don’t throw an iPod to a person standing on a ladder. No matter how much the person on the ladder may trust your throwing abilities, don’t overestimate yourself. Just don’t do it.
  5. When going to sleep, don’t leave a chair in the middle of your room. Should you need to get up in the middle of the night, you will bump into it. To prevent this, push the chair (or other obstacle) to the edge of the room, or else keep night vision goggles on your bedside table.
  6. Don’t place a freshly painted board in the middle of someone’s path. They will step on it.
  7. Parallel roads do not intersect. If they intersect, they are not parallel.
  8. Don’t wear your favorite high heels on a plane. Should an emergency occur, your heels will get ruined by the dirt or water at the end of the inflatable slide, provided that you don’t pop the slide in the process of escaping from the plane.
  9. Don’t read while you’re walking. You’ll live longer.
  10. Use good judgment. Please.

“Common sense is not so common.” ~Voltaire